i’m sorry i couldn’t make the meeting
i’m sorry if i’m not producing enough work
i’m sorry if i said i would do it yesterday, or last week, or last month
i’m sorry my admin is piling up
i’m sorry if i can’t contribute as much financially
i’m sorry i didn’t make the bed
i’m sorry i didn’t respond to your voicemail
i’m sorry i missed the party
i’m sorry i showed up empty handed
i’m sorry if i didn’t ask how you were doing
i’m sorry i cry so much
i’m sorry i take more than i give
i’m sorry i’m still talking about this 5 years later
you see, cancer has a way of taking over its host. of dictating what i can and can’t offer. know that i’m trying my best. that i think of you often.
and hopefully, when this chapter eventually comes to a close, i can return some of the grace, love, and support you’ve gifted me.
I wrote this while feeling overwhelmed. While in the infusion chair reflecting on how I have or am letting people down. Of not being the partner, coworker, friend, daughter, sister, neighbor I strive to be. Upon reflection, I realized that for the most part, these are the invisible bars that I’ve set for myself, not unmet expectations from those around me. And I actually wrote this for me, to myself. I reworked the title from “Enough” to “Forgiving myself” to reflect who needs to hear this. I’m reminded that I am still a work in progress, as we all always are.
My friend Jeanette suggested I pair this with the “you’re welcome” list: the ways I am still showing up. While I don’t have the abundance for that now, perhaps it’s part two ✌️.
OK, but only if you come visit, walk, talk....or not....don't sorry!
Vanessa - your struggles and strengths are many and those who love and respect you are many. Without meaning to sound corny but it fits: 'love means never having to say you're sorry." We will take you in any way we can without any expectations or requirements. As you are aware, my legacy changed simply because of writings that you shared. You give so much of what is important in life. Thank you, and I am sorry if I have not been able to reciprocate but, I will forgive myself and look forward to the time that I will be able to give back to you. Love you, Barb