The present moment; living not surviving

It was March 2020 and my uncle took my 93 year old grandpa out of his care facility to an afternoon at the movies. I was petrified. Any exposure to COVID could end his life. They made it back safely but I have since thought of that day—that unnecessary risk—often. 

Just say “yes” to now

It ended up being his last trip to the movies. With the mindset of living, not just surviving, I couldn’t be more grateful for his adventure. My partner Mark reflected today on how:

“We don't have control over much, but we do have control over the present moment.”

Sensing into now allows us to take action and make the most of life. And that’s a beautiful thing. Instead of being stuck in fear about what the future holds or how the past grips us, we can be present in our unconditional love. We are alive. We’re taking another breath. Mark is stroking my hair. Presence.

As Eleanor Roosevelt said, “Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That’s why we call it ‘The Present.’”

Surviving versus Living

For me, surviving is living with regret of my surgery at Ohio State. It is focusing on basic human needs of eating and drinking. It is questioning every medical decision that has placed me in my current, unfortunate reality. It is processing one of my biggest fears coming true this week—paralysis—and what that means for Mark and I moving forward.

When I think of my biggest fear, I realize I haven’t completely considered death as an option. We are all going to die and most of us just don’t know when. Mine could be more imminent.

Ursula and my ongoing disease management is an existential threat that I can no longer turn a blind eye to. In a strange way, she is a kind of gift. We are having more meaningful conversations, enjoying every morsel of food, holding hands longer. I cherish every Facetime call, meal drop off from friends, and visitors who are able to sneak through UCSF hospital’s iron clad security. These are seemingly small things that 99% of the world tends to miss because they are swept up in the “doing.” Ursula has re-energized connections between us, allowing space for deep love and purpose. This love is pure—the joy of us being together with no space for judgment nor questioning.

The only thing we have space for now is love. And that is truly living.

Thank you for living with me, in this moment. In now.

-Written in collaboration with Mark Walker, Brenda Slavich, and Kristy Oriol