I can’t pinpoint when it started. Like the expansion and contraction of my lungs, I sense it’s just always been there. This fear of failure. This wanting of perfection. An uninvited guest to my dinner party. The shadow behind my spirit.
Working through the Artist’s Way in 2016, one thing that came up was trying out for the dance team, and failing. And quitting dance soon after. I’m not sure if that was the moment my middle school brain began to fear the outcome. Or if it was some truly traumatizing experience I folded up and tucked into a corner of my brain, waiting to be dusted off.
Regardless, fearing failure has been a constant companion. So much so let’s name it—Fanny.
Meet “Failure Fanny”
Failure Fanny reared her head in grad school. My program was a 12-month intensive and the deadlines were compounding. Fanny was loud and I was drowning.
I adopted the mantra “done is better than perfect” and worked with my therapist to try and let go of her grip. I laser-cut a ruler with my new mantra engraved on top, which I gracefully kept within eye’s glance on my desk.
Despite my progress since then, Fanny continues to show up, especially with creative work. Deep inside, I know she holds me back from the pursuit of my legacy and true greatness. I have a theory she contributes to blockages in my body—maybe not tumor growth itself, but the healing energy I need to be cured. If I can find a way to work with her, to leverage her as a source of strength, I could be free. And what would that feel like?!
Overcoming fear through play
I recently shared my fear of failure with my friend Madelin, who then presented me with a challenge. “What if you fail on purpose?”
🤯
My mind exploded.
Can you do that? That would be so scary. I’m not so sure. What if I fail at failing??….Meta.
I accepted. I made some too-big pancakes. I drew with my eyes closed. I wandered too far on trails with not enough food or water. While they are all minor affairs, they started to change my relationship to fear and led me to a new definition.
Failure: a new definition
A few weeks ago, I went on a photo walk with my friend Zach. As part of a meandering conversation, he said “I’d rather learn from other people’s mistakes than make my own.”
“True,” I responded. “Yet while information is abundant, wisdom is only gained through experience.”
If there is one thing I can credit my tumor Ursula with, it is an abundance of wisdom. Suffering through her life lessons, I know many truths within my soul. My cells, my skin, my muscles have been to battle and back, again and again. I’ve processed and integrated these experiences, leveraging them as a source of growth and insight instead of simply pain.
There is a time to learn from others. To read, consume, listen. And there is a time to do it myself. To learn and know—in a deep way that knowledge doesn't—which means sometimes succeeding and sometimes failing. For me, it means moving past the fear into the experience. Of writing this post and worrying that no one will read it. When in fact, it doesn’t matter the number of views. It is the practice of writing, publishing, and sharing that grant me all of the wisdom I need.
What if the purpose of having experiences is to gain wisdom? What if the fact that you succeed or fail is irrelevant? And the thing we measure instead is how much wisdom is acquired? By expanding the aperture of my life to include this broader metric, I feel abundance, opportunity, and possibility. It leads to questions like: Will this make me wiser? Then yes!*
A poem from Inward is relevant to this point:
all along i have searched for
knowledge when what i was
really looking for was wisdom
not the information that fills
my mind with details and facts
but the experiences that fills
my being with freedom,
healing, and the light of insight
(liberation)
—Yung Pueblo
I invite you to join me in changing the definition—the ruler—by which we measure life. A pursuit of meaningful experiences with wisdom as its companion. And whatever will be, will be.
But don’t take my word for it. Experience it for yourself 😉.
*It goes without saying that risks should be measured and jumping off a building for the experience of it may not be a wise decision 🙃.